Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

Oh God, oh God, I’m so hung over. The light is blinding, and all the noise hurts. I feel like someone is trying unscrew my skull. What have I done to deserve this? WHAT HAS GOD WROUGHT!?!? How can I lessen this pain?

Thanks,
Ow! Hangover, Gosh, Ow, Drinks Torture, Hangover Everlasting, Please Answer, Imbibing Nonetheless

Dear OH GOD THE PAIN,

This is the problem with only going out during Carnival. You don’t build up your tolerance enough all year for last week’s extravaganza. Those of us who go out multiple times a week are used to that feeling. I don’t even notice the pain anymore; it’s just the usual morning feeling. But for those of you who don’t want to feel awful all day, here are some recovery techniques.

First of all, you need to go back in time. When you’re still drunk, drink a lot of water. Then, go to bed for the next 18 hours. If you’ve woken up the next day and still feel awful, your first goal should be to drink some water. Really, water and pain medication are your only options. My father always recommended the three S’s: showering, shaving, and going to the bathroom. If that doesn’t do it for you then I don’t know what will.

Or just have another drink,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

I’m throwing a party this weekend, my friend’s dad is in town, and I hear he’s really cool. Should I invite him? I feel like it could only make things better. What could go wrong with inviting a 50-year-old guy to my party?

Thanks,
Forget This, I Gotta Go To My Last Carnival Party

Dear FTIGGTMLCP,

That’s a great idea! Partying with the previous generation is always a good time. If they want to go out to bars, they have jobs and are always willing to pick up the tab. If it’s a house party, then he’s willing to go to a house party. I’m barely willing to go to house parties! If you can take a shot of bottom-shelf vodka with the man, then he’s the kind of man I want to be when I grow up.

The one problem with inviting him is if he has too much game. Obviously, when he shows up he’s gonna get a lot of attention, ’cause he’s got 30 years on the other guests. After that, he can just play up the charm. He has 30 years’ worth more stories than you, and 30 years’ worth more experience with women. You can’t compete with him. A full head of hair will only get you so far.

Plus, there are a lot of college-age gold diggers,
Patrick Hoskins