Penalty Shouts: for a better football league

Credit: Anna Boyle/Visual Editor Credit: Anna Boyle/Visual Editor

This is Penalty Shouts, The Tartan’s sports column inspired by the The New Yorker’s column Daily Shouts. This satire-fueled column will focus on anything and everything funny in the sports world that is deserving of our comedic attention.

I’ve written a lot about football so far in Penalty Shouts, and this week has to be no different. It’s been a gut-busting week for Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots and confirmed bad guy. If I recall correctly, you heard it here first that Kraft sucks, so it’s safe to say that this is the first time Penalty Shouts has had a scoop on a piece of breaking news. But what did he even do? The facts of the case so far are that he solicited prostitution — as a 77-year-old — from a spa called “Orchids of Asia.”

There needs to be a quick sidebar for a serious moment. Human trafficking is an awful crime, and the women who worked at the day spa were not there by their own volition. To think that Robert Kraft, billionaire, could not have found women who chose to work in the industry is naive. And frankly, it’s always terrifying to think that people like Robert Kraft are the type of people that have been granted positions of power in the world.

But “Orchids of Asia?” Are you serious? It sounds like the business wanted the Feds to bust down their door and find a prostitution ring. And to get caught at a place called “Orchids of Asia?” I’m stunned at the sheer stupidity of Kraft. He had to have known the Feds were onto the place.

There are so many other things he could have done, too. Prostitution is legal in Nevada, so why not just take a weekend trip to Las Vegas? He could have taken a little time to throw in some gambling. Prostitution is legal in the Netherlands too, so why not take a week-long trip to Europe? I heard that most drugs are pretty easy to obtain in the Netherlands, so Kraft could even keep up his coke habit. Here’s the best thing he could have done: not solicit prostitutes.

Kraft is 77 years old. Yet, he’s living like he’s still a strapping young lad. He should take a moment, reorganize some priorities, and realize that his very conventionally attractive 39-year-old girlfriend is going to keep him young for a long time.

The worst part about Kraft’s crime is that a recent publication cites a source close to Kraft who says that he changed a lot after his wife’s death six years ago. It didn’t take him too long to find a young girlfriend, so it seems like his latent sexual promiscuity didn’t come out of nowhere. Maybe what got him down were the 48 years of happy marriage or the recent successes of the Patriots. Maybe it was the billions of dollars in net worth. Whatever made Kraft change like that, it probably wasn’t a lack of meaning in his life now that his wife is dead because that would require a soul from before a few years ago.

I promise the next few weeks won’t be football, but sometimes, it’s just too easy to write about the league. The comedy writes itself, and the league needs to do something to help itself out.