Campus Crime & Incident Reports

Arrests of Suspicious People

Marnegie Cellon Police Department (MCPD) responded to a complaint from a university student that there was a collection of suspicious persons on campus. MCPD responded to the incident and learned there was a large amount of men on campus. Police questioned them before arresting them on suspicion of being ducks.

Theft of Gates-Hillman

After a disgruntled computer science student woke up from their accidental 3 a.m. nap in Gates-Hillman, they discovered the building had been stolen from campus. They reported it to MCPD, who did a follow up investigation. Eyewitness reports deny that a building was ever in that location. Police are conducting a follow-up investigation as to if Gates-Hillman ever existed on the Marnegie Cellon campus.

Report of Hack

Employees in the Marnegie Cellon Office of Admissions determined that an individual has hacked their system and removed all applications for the current year. Since the Office of Admissions has no way to track who was accepted now, everyone in the world is to assume they were accepted into the university. Please pay your deposit of $50 million, your firstborn, and your least favorite toe by June 9. The police have abandoned this investigation and have decided to enroll in Marnegie Cellon in the upcoming fall semester.

Alcohol Amnesty

Reports were filed to MCPD late Thursday evening about potential intoxicated students at Hammerschlag House. After arriving on the scene, University police realized Marnegie Cellon students are a bunch of nerds that don’t know how to live life so of course they weren’t intoxicated. Grades had been released for the most recent 15-122 midterm and were playing loud music to drown out the sound of their sobs. MCPD issued a noise warning to the students and told them to stop being nerds.

Theft of Copper

Copper has been missing since 2018. Where has it gone? When will it come back? What else are we supposed to steal from the President’s house? Please copper, come back. We miss you.