Gainey's Strange Housing Ideas
A suite of proposals from the Mayor’s office are aimed at targeting complaints raised by renters in Pittsburgh, including our own Edboard on A4. But some of Mayor Gainey’s ideas have left housing activists flummoxed, to say the least. To resolve the frequently brought up issue of rocketing rent prices, Mayor Gainey suggested that college students “Grandpa Joe it.” When asked to explain this proposal at a press conference, press secretary Maria Montaño elaborated:
“In 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,' Charlie’s Grandpa Joe, as well as three other of his good-for-nothing grandparents, essentially reside together in a bed, foot to foot, shoulder to shoulder. If our college transplants stopped buying La Prima coffee every day, and started ‘Grandpa Joe-ing it’ in a cheap 1.8k per month situation, they’d even have money left over!” She then showed a crude drawing of Mr. Gainey's purportedly showing the described living situation.
Another common grievance is that of the maximum renters. Due to a stringent definition of family, and some apocryphal anti-sorority/brothel legislation, the legal maximum of non-family renters in a domicile is set at a pitiful three. Mr. Gainey proposed an addendum to the Pittsburgh Zoning Code article nine, chapter 926, § 76(b). The “Proposal On Which Enterprising Radical People’s Ultimately Found Families Get In Real Long-term Situations” suggests that the college student workers of tomorrow should “stop working so hard, start going out more, meet some nice ladies or gentlemen, and ‘get some.’” Having done so, their newly created familial status will allow them to live together, and even let their third through fifth wheel friends tag along on their newly relational bicycle.
These ideas may prove to have legs, but real Pittsburghers are concerned. Mary O'Malley, a Shadyside resident and mother of two beautiful puppies, worries that these new ideas will permit the spread of loud, unruly, disgusting college students into her neighborhood. And she is not alone. When polled, over 70 percent of homeowners believe that letting college students live in Pittsburgh will lower their property values, salt their crops, and raise the price of eggs.
So Mayor Gainey, tread carefully!