insert clown emoji, penguin emoji, skull emoji

This week, I thought the Penguins played on Thursday, so I wore my Jake Shake t-shirt in support of the team, hoping that I could spirit my way into a half-priced dairy treat. I was actually incorrect, and the Penguins only played on Monday and Saturday. Here’s how it went:

On Oct. 30, the Pens faced off against their fellow aquatic birds, the Ducks. Erik Karlsson opened scoring for Pittsburgh in the first, but he’d be answered by the Ducks a mere five minutes later. In the second, the Ducks took the lead with another goal, but Evgeni Malkin tied it up once again with a slapshot right at the end of the period. Radim Zohorna brought the Penguins back into the lead in the third, but a quick answer by the Ducks set the score even once more. When Anaheim scored an absolutely ridiculous shorthanded (five on three!) goal, the game was over for sure. The Penguins waddled away in defeat, 4-3.

On Nov. 4, Pittsburgh went to San Jose to face off against the Sharks. This game was absolutely ridiculous, and I’m not gonna do a detailed outline with stylistic interjections. Here’s what happened: In the first, there were two goals for the Penguins from Reilly Smith. In the second, there were two Pens goals from Guentzel and Vinnie Hinostroza, then a Sharks goal, then three more goals for Pittsburgh from Malkin, Kris Letang, and Matt Nieto. In the third, we had another Pens goal from Rust, the Sharks got one more point, and then two more goals from Malkin and Guentzel. Astounding! Despite just 35 shots on goal for the Penguins, the game finished at a ridiculous 10-2. Maybe San Jose needs to work on their goaltending.

These were two truly comical games. The one on Monday was insane. There were two different five-on-threes. The Pens scored during the first one, but they got scored on in the second one! How do you let the other team score when you’ve got two extra guys on the ice? I genuinely swore out loud when this happened. Come on now. Saturday’s game was also ridiculous. Ten points? What were the Sharks doing? Were they even on the ice? Astounding. I’m happy for the Peng-win, but I kind of feel more embarrassed for San Jose than happy for Pittsburgh. Whatever — I’ll take whatever hope I can get from this horrifically stressful team.

This week, the Penguins will get a shot at redemption against the Ducks in Anaheim on Tuesday. On Thursday, they’ll finish out their California road trip with a game against the L.A. Kings, and then return home for a short break before they go up against the Buffalo Sabres on Saturday. Let’s go Pens!