Welp, it’s that time of year again. Superbowl Sunday, one of the biggest sporting events of the year. Of the top 32 broadcasts in American history, 30 of them are various Super Bowls. The other two? The finale of M*A*S*H and the 2016 Presidential Debates. Obviously the American public has its priorities straight. Personally, I tune in whenever my Giants are doing well, but I haven’t had much cause for celebration recently.
This year promises to be a pretty insane matchup, between the 16-3 Philadelphia Eagles and the 16-3 Kansas City Chiefs.
The Kansas City Chiefs
Since picking up Patrick “Kermit” Mahomes from Texas Tech with the 10th overall pick of the 2017 NFL draft, the Chiefs have been perennial contenders. They’ve been to the AFC championship in ‘18, ‘19, ‘20, ‘21, and now ‘22, and won the whole kit and caboodle in 2019. They also get stomped on by an old man and a bunch of retirees in 2020, but we try not to talk about that out in Kansas City. They have the number one ranked offense in the country, racking up a ludicrous 29.2 points per game this season, thanks to the fast food blood sacrifice Andy Reid made. Their homegrown defense ranks ninth in the country. On top of their rankings, the Chiefs have accumulated 546 total points this season, and had secured the number one seed in the AFC prior to the postseason. Pat “I'm actually a running back too” Mahomes has won MVP this season, his second in five years. If Kansas City wins, it’ll be the first time people pay attention to Kansas since The Wizard of Oz, even if KC isn’t even in the state.
The Philadelphia Eagles
The Eagles have had a much more tumultuous few years. After winning it all in 2017, against Brady no less, in a game that got Eagles quarterback Nick Foles immortalized with a statue, the Eagles just… didn’t do great for the next four years. After going 13-3 in their run, the Eagles failed to break 10 wins until this year, even going 4-11 in one year. It’s been a rocky journey for the franchise. But that win in 2017 was their first, ever, and now, Jalen “Get ready for a world of” Hurts, a young QB out of Alabama and Oklahoma, has dragged his team into the big game again. The Eagles scored 28.1 points per game in the 2022 regular season, and combined that with two blowout wins in the postseason against the Giants (RIP) and the Vikings (skoL). In what is definite and perfect proof that the NFL is rigged and the Eagles are paying them off. There are two Es in EaglEs and RogEr GoodEll.
Coincidence? I think not. Meanwhile, in Philadelphia, the city is busy smothering the poles with grease to stop the city members from climbing up anything vertical like a drunk man at a strip club. Don’t worry, regardless of whether Philly wins or loses, something is getting burned down.
Predictions, Prayers, and Pain
Well, I hate the Eagles. As a rabid Giants fan, I’m praying we start World War III moments before this game kicks off. And as a resident of Tucson, Arizona, I’d like to offer up Phoenix as the first city to be hit by the nuclear blast. But if I have to put money on someone winning, it’s the Chiefs. I don’t know what’s in Andy Reid’s burgers, but it’s made him a football genius, and if I was Nick Sirianni, I’d be scared of coaching against him. Mahomes is somehow able to make plays on a bad ankle, a bad foot, a bad arm. Hell, at this point, I don’t think he’s human, but apparently there’s nothing in the rulebook stopping a mutant from playing football. Mark my words, we’re gonna find out in 10 years that Mahomes was from the planet Zircon or something.
Either way, I don’t really know if the Eagles defense can take over this game like they usually do. I’ve seen them play great, but I think if Mahomes can get cooking, he’s gonna bake them into a pie before they know it. Or something, I’m not great with cooking metaphors. Even if the Eagles jump out to an early game lead, the Chiefs are known for pulling off comebacks. Somehow the worst place to be when playing an NFL game is up 10 against the Killer City Chiefs.
Kansas City Chiefs 31, Eagles 28. One of the two Kelce Brothers changes his name and moves to Thailand with Kliff Kingsbury. Hassan Reddick somehow tackles a USAF jet during the flyby. Philadelphia starts building all its houses on 10 foot poles, and the Chiefs finally turn Kansas and Missouri into one big state.