Confessions of a Coke addict

I love Carnegie Mellon, and I’m genuinely very happy that I chose to come here. However. I was raised in the South. Specifically, I was raised in a shitty little central Florida town where you had to go to the next town over to do anything remotely exciting. Our main attraction is a river. The one thing we did have? Soda. I could drive three to five minutes in any direction from my house and find a gas station selling 44 ounces of soda for 95 cents, and would regularly take advantage of this. It’s really my only vice — some people drink, some people smoke, and I get a pounding headache if I don’t have a soda in the afternoon. Now, imagine my frustration when I come into Morewood Gardens after a long and harrowing info desk shift, ready for the refreshing taste of Coca-Cola to make it all better. I swipe my CMU ID, ready to put those FLEX dollars to work, and slam that Coke button. “Out of Stock,” says the vending machine. Damn, okay, I guess I’ll have a Cherry Coke. Out of stock. Fine, a Dr. Pepper? Out of stock. Again and again, I try for every soda possible, only to be told that my one option is Diet Coke. Horrifying! Nightmare! Defeated, I turn to the dreaded P*psi vending machine, only to be told that my FLEX dollars are no good here, despite the signage indicating that this vending machine accepts FLEX dollars. I resist the urge to kick the shit out of the vending machine, and instead retreat to my room, doomed to another night of water.

The vending machine situation on campus is a little ridiculous. What’s with the abandoned vending machines in Doherty A? Why haven’t they been stocked in months? The 50-cent Coke machine was my most dearly beloved last semester; why has it been so neglected? Every week I come back, praying that it might have a can or two in exchange for my quarters, and every week I am disappointed. Why does Morewood Gardens get a grand total of three empty, dysfunctional vending machines, while E-Tower gets a veritable vending machine buffet, locked just out of reach of us miserable Gardens residents? Why do so many vending machines lie directly to my face and claim to accept my meal plan? Why was I able to purchase a microwave burrito from a vending machine in Wean 2, but there is nary a Pop-Tart nor Pringle in my dorm? This inequality and discrimination against me personally must be stopped.

“Haley,” you must be saying. “Just go to Entropy and get your drinks like a normal person.” Oh, you think you’re so smart, huh? Think you’re a real genius telling me to go to the campus convenience store? Well I’ve tried that, buckaroo, and guess what — it doesn’t work for me. This God-forsaken campus happens to be sponsored by my personal mortal enemy P*psi. You will not catch my ass drinking a P*psi! I am loyal to my beloved Coca-Cola, 'til death do us part. You try going into Entropy, and you find me a Coke. Oh, what was that? There are no Cokes? How about a Cherry Coke? A Sprite? A Dr. Pepper? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Until Carnegie Mellon sees the error of their ways and converts to the path of righteousness, I’m stuck with the vending machines. Carnegie Mellon, I’m begging on my knees — please restock my Coke machines.