Local trans man gains ability to poop after coming out

This Friday, many queer people across the United States celebrated Trans Day of Visibility by gathering in large groups to promote the Gay Agenda. For one local man, though, Friday was something more — Oliver Christianson decided to come out as transgender to his closest friends and family. Unfortunately, his gender reveal party didn’t go quite as planned. Throughout the day, along with the overwhelming outpouring of love and support, Oliver felt something else stirring inside him. No, not in his heart — in his bowels. You see, it is a commonly known fact that girls don’t poop, they simply absorb everything using their superior stomach juices and sheer force of will. Once your pronouns change from she/her, you lose this ability. Foods that Oliver was once able to eat happily with no consequences were now working their way through his previously unused intestines.

“It was the strangest thing,” Oliver said. “One minute I was happily enjoying my iced coffee, and the next I felt this unholy rumbling in my gut.” For someone who had never experienced the coffee shits before, this was quite unsettling. “Somehow I figured out what was going on and managed to make it to the bathroom in time, but it was a really close call.” Party attendees say they heard a “thunderous commotion” and “sounds of great distress.” Oliver went on to say that he had heard about the effects of coffee before, but previously believed that they were a myth. When asked how she felt about the situation, Oliver’s mother said that she was “so so happy that he’s able to be his true self,” but misses “the days before that ungodly stench.” Oliver, who has also gained the ability to open pickle jars and lost the ability to find the clit, has since been diagnosed with a dairy intolerance and started ordering his daily iced coffee with oat milk.