Zachary Gelman Pillbox Editor

Class of 2025


  • The contrarians guide to the chicken and egg

    This question has baffled smart and dumb thinkers alike since Plutarch. Before anything else, I must make one point clear. If you claim that the egg came first because amniotic eggs formed millions of years before chickens existed, or whatever the hell, you are SUCH A LOSER. What could possibly be so wrong in your Koala brain? We are obviously talking about the Chicken Egg, we have obviously alway...

    Special | April 3, 2023
  • This is a real-ass PSA for you food-ordering idiots

    This is a real-ass PSA for all of you goddamn food-ordering midwits. Don’t think I don’t see you, you slobbering freshmen, cursed to overpay for housing on campus while Pittsburgh rent is so cheap. Or you wretched, friendless upperclassmen. Nobody wanted to actually live with you, so you had to slink back to Morewood Gardens, or Resnik, or so on, or so forth, cursed with roommates you hate, and RA...

    Special | April 3, 2023
  • Embarrassed by Your Major? Try This!

    Look, we've all been there. You are chatting up some fine dame or dude, and the subject of your major comes up. Often, it is the first subject, because Carnegie Mellon college students are poor conversationalists. You could just tell Patrick your major, but then he'd think less of you! A spark of inspiration, eureka! All you need to do is lie, and claim a different major as your own! But you canno...

    Special | April 3, 2023
  • Trouble in Paradise: French Protests, Two Months In

    Protests and strikes have been rocking France for the past few months, with escalating events leading to very publicized fights and injuries. The strikes have been described as being over the French retirement age being increased from 62 to 64, leading many foreigners to brag about how late their country’s retirement age is, and how bad their pension plan will be. But the situation is actually a l...

    News | March 27, 2023
  • Confessions of a Missed Connections Crap Artist

    Dear Doc. Andrew,

    Pillbox | February 20, 2023

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