ARIES (March 21 ? April 19): No amount of animal-rights activism now will alleviate your guilt over a childhood of ditch-digging and recreational large game hunting.

TAURUS (April 20 ? May 20): Your new yoga and aerobic workout regimen will help you get in touch with parts of yourself that you never realized existed before, including your lower back, toes, and whatever it is that makes the cute girl in pigtails two mats to the left actually attracted to you.

GEMINI (May 21 ? June 21): After waiting 48 minutes ? without shelter ? for a bus to drive you the two blocks from campus to your apartment, you will finally decide to give up on riding and make the trek through the freezing wind and rain. Your clothes may weigh 55 pounds and your skin may be pruney, but you?ll have calf muscles of steel.

CANCER (June 22 ? July 22): Your exam-related anxiety will bring back your acne to full eighth grade school dance strength, starting a vicious cycle that can only be cured by listening to your mail-order instructional relaxation tapes and Enya.

LEO (July 23 ? August 22): You will soon discover, through a baffling series of social snafus, that while you may have a great sense of humor, few people are truly sophisticated enough to ?get you.? That can make life in stand-up comedy ? and, well, life in general ? a bit tough.

VIRGO (August 23 ? September 22): Finally cleaning out your bedroom closet will unexpectedly release enough wild game for a romantic dinner for two, thanks to your sharp eye and quick reflexes.

LIBRA (September 23 ? October 23): With cosmetic surgery, you get what you pay for, especially when you use a coupon for a free hair transplant with purchase.

SCORPIO (October 24 ? November 21): Thanks to your uncommon intelligence, it won?t take you a third try to learn that milk is not an impulse buy: you should just place the warm carton back on the floor by the soap opera magazine rack where you found it.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 ? December 21): Your new haircut will seem to take five years off your life. At least, it will if you keep going to that $3 blind barber with the rusty scissors without having a recent tetanus shot.

CAPRICORN (December 22 ? January 19): Be more specific this year when you ask Mom and Dad for a furry birthday pet, and maybe your new fish won?t get a fungus after three days.

AQUARIUS (January 20 ? February 18): To protect your beloved goldfish during your wild party Saturday night, you will move their bowl to the coffee table by the window in your apartment. While the reflective glass may not actually help provide your fish with a lovely natural vista, telling yourself it does will make you feel a little less guilty about not entertaining poor Flipsy and Flopsy for the evening.

PISCES (February 19 ? March 20): Wish for world peace instead of a life of wealth and leisure the next time the pageant judge hands you the microphone, and maybe you won?t end up sitting alone in your large beachfront estate, looking at your watercolor collection, listening to a string quartet, getting a massage, and being bored out of your gourd while your butler runs to get your martini.