ARIES (March 21 ? April 19): Thursday night, you will suddenly remember to call your grandparents when the guilt they've been channeling to you all week finally makes it across the two time zones separating you.

TAURUS (April 20 ? May 20): Covering yourself in aluminum foil and leaning out the window will not fix the terrible TV reception caused by this weekend's storm, but will alert the aliens hovering above your apartment. Fortunately, the government mental health authorities will beat them in picking you up as a prime experimental subject.

GEMINI (May 21 ? June 21): It's a good thing the new apartment you'll be renting next year comes with a parking space. You will finally have a place to put that bike rack you've been schlepping around, and possibly even some nice refurbished patio furniture.

CANCER (June 22 ? July 22): Maintaining your present-giving network is not karmically the best reason for writing thank-you notes.

LEO (July 23 ? August 22): Throwing caviar into your tank will not create fish babies. Sea monkeys may produce better results.

VIRGO (August 23 ? September 22): The kid who sits in your chair next will not appreciate your speeding up your trip to class by using the muddy hill on the Cut as a slip and slide. Plus, your bum may become a bit stiff and crusty walking around in those pants all day afterward.

LIBRA (September 23 ? October 23): Changing your minimum rent and distance from campus requirements may help you find an apartment for next year that doesn't lose chunks of ceiling daily and at least comes with rugs to cover the cement floor.

SCORPIO (October 24 ? November 21): The Galapagos Island Giant Tortoise you purchased illegally through a ring of corrupt, profiteering national park rangers will double conveniently as a pet and furniture, but its being better-looking, wiser, and worth more than you may eventually take a toll on your self-esteem.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 ? December 21): It may be a good idea to study more for your biology final than you did for the midterm, or you just may end up dissecting owl pellets for a living. Not that regurgitated rodent skeletons aren't buckets of fun...

CAPRICORN (December 22 ? January 19): Bummer for you: Johnny Appleseed already filled this country?s national icon of alcohol distribution quota. You'll have to develop a more extensive skill set, or at least branch out from hard cider to make that unique impact you've been looking for.

AQUARIUS (January 20 ? February 18): Drinking the five Canadian bottled waters in your backpack that you sneaked from the campus-catered lecture you went to this morning will not make you unpatriotic, but recycling the bottles afterward just may push you over the edge.

PISCES (February 19 ? March 20): It's no use blaming your teary-eyed expression on seasonal allergies. The Oxygen network just really strikes a chord with some people, and your girlfriend will definitely understand where you?re coming from.