Horoscopes - 9/19/04

Aries (March 21 ? April 19): Your grandparents will call Tuesday evening to inquire about your health, current marital/procreative timeline, and religious observance, and to give you their love and support (especially in the marital/procreative arena).

Taurus (April 20 ? May 20): Somehow, finally remembering where you left your favorite hoodie before the storm hit ? under a tree on the CFA lawn ? will not make you feel any warmer, dryer, or smarter. You will, however, make an equally cold and more observant sweatshirt-less guy feel like he?s won the lottery.

Gemini (May 21 ? June 21): The toddler?s giggle will seem much less innocent and delightful when it is accompanied by a finger pointing at you as you roll down a grassy ravine with a rabid raccoon attached to your ankle.

Cancer (June 22 ? July 22): This Wednesday, a fluke rainstorm out of nowhere will sweep you off to a land far, far away in rural Western Pennsylvania. There you, your dog, and your three endearing misfit friends will receive keys to your personal betterment from the self-help guru you?ve traveled so far to meet, before you awaken spiritually enlightened on your cold bathroom tile floor.

Leo (July 23 ? August 22): This week, your academic advisor will finally break the news that, at this point in your life, ?tall? is no longer an acceptable answer to the famous ?What do you want to be when you grow up?? question, particularly when an overactive pituitary gland already made you 6'5" by seventh grade.

Virgo (August 23 ? September 22): Your physics degree may not be useful in your work at the department store menswear checkout counter following graduation, but it will surely help you achieve your dream of someday broadcasting your own educational sock puppet science show on public television from your parents? New Jersey basement.

Libra (September 23 ? October 23): Your library overdue fines will soon pass that serene state of equilibrium in which the amount owed is equal to the actual cumulative retail prices of the books, DVDs and graphic novels you?ve checked out.

Scorpio (October 24 ? November 21): The flippers that medical experimenters will graft onto your torso when you irreparably break enough bones to become eligible for their study will come to good use when the ice caps melt and the Earth?s surface is covered by water. However, you will still not be able to compete with Kevin Costner?s awesome, though unfortunately stigmatizing, gill mutation.

Sagittarius (November 22 ? December 21): Injuring your neck in an unfortunate altercation with a local sports team?s mascot will leave you unable to hunt, gather, or gaze up at restaurant billboards on highways in search of food.

Capricorn (December 22 ? January 19): The stars have put you on hold for an indefinite period of time. But don?t worry, your call is important to them, and they don?t say that to just anybody.

Aquarius (January 20 ? February 18): Visiting home over the Jewish High Holy Days, you will amaze your family with your finely tuned obliviousness to current events, developed at college through extensive study of antiquated and obscure material.

Pisces (February 19 ? March 20): It will not be exactly what you were expecting, but the flamenco dance troupe you?ve joined will be quite enjoyable, even if you never do get to stand on one leg, motionless for hours, eating shrimp and looking beautiful.