‘Peeing’ phrase should stay in bathroom

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Modern American culture gives us many enlightening images of women. As the respected philosopher Beyoncé once defined the struggle for feminine independence and security, “If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it.” She continued: “Whoa oh oh, oh oh oh oh; whoa oh oh, oh oh oh!” Cultural critic Katy Perry added, regarding feminine attractiveness and decision-making, “I kissed a girl, and I liked it. The taste of her cherry chapstick. I kissed a girl just to try it.” And in the last few months, I’ve observed a new phrase that girls use, a new way that women express who they are: by peeing themselves.

Perhaps I should clarify with some examples. Sometimes the phrase is used in times of excitement: “I saw that Chris Brown is coming to Pittsburgh, and I think I peed myself a little.” Sometimes it’s used in times of fear: “I took that bio quiz, and I pretty much peed myself.” Sometimes it’s used in times of surprise: “I just saw that cute guy — you know, that one I met last week? — at that one party? — and he was coming down the hall, but I don’t think he actually has a class in Gates — oh my gosh I practically peed myself.”

Of course, there’s also the tried-and-true peeing in times of laughter: “I laughed so hard I peed myself!”

In short, the modern woman reacts to emotional stimulation by voiding her bladder.

It’s hard to say how widespread this phenomenon is. Statistics are hard to come by on this front. Personally, I noticed it three times in the last week: once from my sister who’s just out of high school, once from a student here at Carnegie Mellon, and once from a woman who’s graduated and is part of the workforce. So I won’t say it’s quite become an epidemic, but incidents of women renouncing control of their urinary functions are definitely on the rise.

Uncontrolled waste evacuation is something people take medicine to fix. It likens women to puppies who are overwhelmed by unusual experiences. What is it about this self-imposed powerlessness that makes it so popular? I’m not sure. Girls can be pretty smart, though. Maybe this is a good habit and the rest of us just need to learn how to do it.

First, let’s focus on phrasing. When peeing oneself, a lot of the other words in the sentence are just for effect. Guys, if a girl says she “thinks” she’s peed herself, it’s not a matter of uncertainty. And if she says she’s peed herself “a little,” this is cause for neither celebration nor alarm. It’s probably her saving up in case she needs to pee herself later.

We should also talk about context. If a girl wearing a skirt says, “I think I just peed my pants,” don’t point out the contradiction. Speaking of skirts, guys, it was a turning point in my life when I learned the difference between a skirt and a dress. At the risk of ushering you into manhood more quickly than you might desire, here it goes: Skirts are just the bottom part; dresses are the whole thing. Did that just blow your mind?

But back to the issue at hand. What we guys are still missing in order to appropriately pee ourselves is an appropriate setting.
“Dude, have you seen the ad for Modern Warfare 3? I think I peed myself a little.” Not bad, but any girl who pees herself would say that your peeing could use more emotional specificity. Make it really count for something.

“He scored! 2–1 Pens! I just peed my pants.” Good emotional content, but peeing is usually retroactively expressed.
“Honey, remember watching the Pens game last night? When we won I peed myself a little.” Nailed it.

Is peeing yourself just a fad? Only time will tell. Maybe it will be like 19th-century fainting. Movies will show a representative pooling of crotch liquid on the holoscreen and future movie-goers will say, “Wow, these 21st-century movies are great. I wonder if that kind of daily-life stuff actually happened.” Then on the bottom of the screen they’ll see a reference for historical background, a reference to this article. The honor! I think I just... nope, I can’t do it. Girls, why are you so obsessed with peeing yourselves?