Everything you need to know

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

My roommates and I like to go out on weekends, and their friends like to tag along. However, their friends always get drunk, pass out on our couch, and throw up everywhere. I’m getting sick of it. What should I do?


Puke Is Everywhere

Dear PIE,

This may be a dumb question, but if they keep throwing up on your floor and couch, why do you keep putting them on your floor and couch? Put them to bed in your bathtub, but make sure to check in so they don’t choke on their own vomit. If they managed to miss the tub, the toilet, and the sink, when morning comes, throw a mop in there and lock them in. Don’t let them out until that room is spotless. Your roommates may think you’re being a jerk, but they asked for it.

As fulfilling as it may be to kick the drunken fools out of your house, if they’re in really bad shape, you can’t leave them alone. Instead, try being a killjoy. At the party, say, “Hey, you know, five shots and two bottles of 4Loko may not be such a good idea.” Sometime when everyone’s sober, tell your roommates your concerns so you can all talk to their friends together. If all else fails, replace your carpet with a tarp and cover your furniture with plastic.

Or cover their faces in Sharpie,

Brian Hoskins

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

I’m moving off campus next year. It’ll be my first real apartment. Do you have any tips for getting by? What are some essentials?


Moving Off Campus

Dear MOC,

Your first apartment; the next step into adulthood. You’ll be paying rent, buying groceries, complaining to your landlord, and dealing with the guy across the hall who slides through your front door to eat your food. An apartment is a big responsibility. But remember — you’re still a college student. It’s your duty to get the cheapest furniture you can find. Craigslist is your friend. If you’re too classy for Craigslist, check out Ikea. Just don’t take the bus, and watch out for that $80 delivery fee.

Once you have your apartment furnished (as cheaply as possible), you need to deal with your roommates. If you don’t have any, enjoy never seeing anyone for the next year. An apartment presents a whole host of new roommate issues. Does everyone buy their own groceries or share? Who cleans what and when? If their significant others are always over, do they have to pay for any food or rent? Answers: Share the big stuff, make a chore list, and yes. Problem solved.

Watch out for rats,

Patrick Hoskins