Everything you need to know

Dear Patrick,

It’s move-in day, and I’m really looking forward to Orientation. The only problem is that my parents won’t leave. They drove me in, which was great since I have so much stuff, and I definitely didn’t turn them down when they offered to buy all my groceries and books. But now they won’t leave. How can I get them out of my room?

Please help,
Grown-ups Take Forever to gO

Dear GTFO,

You must be the first kid to go to college. Or the last. Let’s be honest, you’re not reading this. You’re too busy unpacking or trying to chat up that cute girl down the hall. So I’ll address this directly to the only readers: your parents.

Hey parents! How are you? I know this can be an emotional day — kid growing up, all that jazz — but it’s time to go. You finally got your kid out of the house. Let him go off and learn, drink a little too much, and pull some all-nighters. Seriously, just get out of your son’s dorm room. You can hang out in Pittsburgh a little, maybe even attend some of those Orientation activities meant for parents, but now is the time to cut the cord. You’re free again! Unless you have a couple more brats puttering around the house, but they’ll be gone soon enough.

Just go home already,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

Do you have any tips for Orientation? Should I even bother with any of these activities? Is this going to be a waste of time? Because Team Fortress 2 isn’t going to play itself.

Scared of Orientation Socializing

Dear SOS,

Here’s the first rule of Orientation: Leave your room. If you stay inside, you’re just wasting a week of your life. Orientation is the one time at school you can walk up to anyone without any fear and strike up a conversation. No one knows anyone — it’s very freeing. No matter how awkward you are, the other person is just as awkward as you. (Another benefit of Carnegie Mellon: Everyone’s really awkward.)

The food you get at Orientation will be the best food you’ll get all year, thanks to that meal plan you’re forced to sign up for. Take advantage of it while you can. Every organization on campus will throw a party during Orientation. Upperclassmen see it as an excuse to come back early and party for a week. If that’s your scene, enjoy it before you have work and class. Take every chance you can to meet more people.

Don’t go on the Clipper Ship — it sucks,
Patrick Hoskins