Advice for awkward people

Dear Matt and Ryan,

Recently, in some of my classes, the people sitting next to me have been falling asleep on me. As long as there’s no drool involved, I’m okay with it. But in every one of my classes this week someone actually fell asleep on my shoulder. Not the same people, not the same seats, nothing. Once, I was even unwittingly thrust into a sommeil à trois. Why is this happening to me?

Sincerely,
Sleepiness Has Other Undergrads Leaning Deeply, Ever-Ready Provider Is Less Loving Of Weirdos

Dear SHOULDER PILLOW,

I’m sorry to say this, but it sounds like you just have some really comfortable shoulders. You have options, though. If you get to class late enough so that most of the seats are filled, pick an empty one next to someone who looks pretty awake. You could also keep them awake by nudging them, under the pretense of, “Hey man, this is important stuff. The prof said it’ll be on the test!” Fear is a powerful motivator. If you’re looking for an extreme option, put an air horn in your pocket and attach the trigger to your shoulder pad. And when the inevitable happens, pretend like you didn’t notice anything.

There’s nothing wrong with saving your shoulders for marriage,
Ryan & Matt

Dear Ryan and Matt,

Throughout the semester, I’ve been timing my daily naps so I have a corner of the library all to myself. It’s been great — I wake up full of energy and ready to tackle the rest of my day. Only problem is that in the past week, someone has been sleeping in my spot! I don’t want to be mean and pop a balloon to wake him up, but I want my spot back! Any suggestions?

Thanks,
Barren Afternoon Bed Yielded, Bang to Effect Anticipated Rest

Dear BABY BEAR,

We’re sure Goldilocks has been having as rough a week as you have. It isn’t worth being a jerk just to get your nap time back. Besides, you said you have a whole corner of the library floor to yourself; what’s sharing it with one other person? You can think of him as your midday roommate — chances are you two will be asleep at the same time and won’t even be conscious of the other’s existence. But if you want to be cruel, put his hand in your warm coffee.

Sweet dreams,
Matt & Ryan