Advice for awkward people

Dear New Patrick,

My roommate hasn’t showered or done his laundry in what seems like forever. It smells so bad up in here! My tree even died because it reeks! PLEASE HELP!

Sincerely,
Odious Housemate Gathers Olfactory Demons, Makes Yucky Stench, Environment Nearly Saturated, Ended Sycamore

Dear OH GOD MY SENSES,

Have you confronted your roommate with this problem? If you haven’t, chances are he’s not even aware that his habits bother you; it could just be the way he was raised (and after all, Carnegie Mellon is not exactly known for its hygienic student body).

On the other hand, if you do talk to him and he is obstinate, there is a solution. While he’s out, take all of his laundry and put it in a bathtub (or large bucket) along with an entire bottle of detergent and/or bleach (you may want to use a hazmat suit for this, and don’t be afraid to incinerate anything that appears to have attained sentience). And when he gets back, ambush him with a garden hose and water balloons filled with soapy water. Hopefully he’ll get the picture; you’ll have a clean roommate, and you’ll have worked out some of your aggression toward him.

May the Tide be with you,
Ryan Black & Matt Baron

Dear New Patrick(s??),

My RA advised us to go to the job fair this week, so I worked on my résumé all weekend, and I think my high school experiences will definitely land me a job at Facebook. One problem: I don’t know how to tie a tie. Can you help me?

Sincerely,
Wondering If Never Done Searching Occupation Readings, Knowing Not Of Ties

Dear WINDSOR KNOT,

In my experience, a job interview is all about the first impression, and I always strive to dress for the job I want, which is why I wear a snorkel and flippers everywhere. As for learning to tie a tie, I’m sure you can ask around. Your RA may be willing to tie one for you, or ask another floormate. Worse comes to worst, you can pull a Patrick Jane and wear a three-piece suit without a tie.

I wouldn’t be too sure that your high school projects will land you a job at Facebook. Companies tend to value work at the collegiate level as a more valid representation of skill. After the first semester, most résumés don’t even mention what high school they attended.

Just don’t wear one of those suit pattern T-shirts and you’ll be okay,
New Patricks