Advice for awkward people

Hey Batman,

Would you be willing to write a last-minute Advice for Awkward People? New Patrick(s??) isn’t getting back to us.

Sincerely,
Expecting Vulgarities And Nothing

Hey EVAN,

Yes.

What have you gotten yourself into,
Batman

Dear Batman,

How did you get the email batman@cmu.edu? Who do I have to bribe or give sexual favors / DineX / Vocelli’s to in order to get a rad email like you?

Sincerely,
Fake Reader, Especially Since Having Meaningful Advice Now

Dear FRESHMAN,

You don’t have to bribe or give sexual favors/DineX/Vocelli’s to anyone to get a “rad” email, but I will take all of the Vocelli’s you can feed me, preferably quad pineapple thin crust. It’s coupon code 700, but who cares about saving money when you’re using DineX?

Just go to http://www.cmu.edu/computing/email/cmuname/index.html. It’s easier than C@CM. Unless you failed C@CM. Then this would be awkward.

Twerker@cmu.edu will look great on your résumé,
Batman

Dear Batman,

Why Batman?

Sincerely,
Do Even Enlightened People Quite Understand Even Sometimes Truth Is Only Non Sequitur

Dear DEEP QUESTIONS,

Because I’m the hero Carnegie Mellon deserves, but not the one it needs right now.

Or, because when I chose my name in Chinese, it got me thinking — why can’t I just change my name in English?

Sometimes it’s only madness that makes us what we are,
Batman