advice for awkward people

Dear Evan,

We’re taking a really, really hard test in the Adamson Wing, and right now the only thing harder than formulating this essay question response is keeping myself from pissing my pants — seriously, I really have to go to the bathroom. If I get up to leave, though, I’ll have to run all the way to the back of the lecture hall and up two flights to the second floor, since the men’s bathroom on the first floor of Baker flooded yesterday when someone tried to flush a bottle of Riesling wine (the actual bottle).

If I tried to go, I wouldn’t get back to the test on time to finish it, but I’m having a little trouble focusing, so I need to figure this out right now.

To pee, or not to pee?

Anxiously,
I Truly Shouldn’t Have had A Mocha Latte, Especially Two, Too Immediately, Making me Edgy

Dear IT’S HAMLET TIME,

I feel the need to point out the obvious here: You don’t really have time to read my response, do you? For you, you either piss your pants and finish your test, or relieve yourself and get … what, a B? I really don’t see an issue here.

But, since you’re probably one of those people who can’t stand to get anything less than an A on anything, and since I’m a childish person, let’s talk about peeing.

Pissing your pants seems like the absolute worst option here. You’ll end up having to walk around like that all day, unless you brought a change of pants (just in case this happened?) or you run to the student store after the test to buy some cardinal red, Carnegie Mellon-emblazoned sweatpants (only $23.99!). And depending on where you are in the room and how long class has been going, pretty soon everyone in class is going to smell it. Smells travel fast in that room. Trust me.

But if you really want every possible moment you’ve been allowed to finish this test, I suggest that, if you’re sitting next to someone you dislike or don’t know, you discreetly piss on him or her. Not only do you not have to go anywhere and avoid soiling yourself, but if they’re a particularly good student, you get to screw up the curve, too.

But really, just go to the bathroom,
Evan Kahn