Advice for awkward people

Dear advice columnist who seems to be a different person every week (what’s up with that?),

I’ve been trying to find anything at all to do instead of study for finals, and I mean anything: prank calling, volunteer work, and I even signed up for jury duty yesterday. Then I found out House was on Netflix, and any ray of hope for my academic adequacy is now gone. Should I even try to pass my finals?

Lazily yours,
Don’t Regret Whining, Instead Languid, Splayed Out, Noshing

Dear DR WILSON,

Well, first thing’s first: Watching all eight seasons of House should be your main priority. Jury duty can wait; if you’re watching five episodes a day, as you should be, that’s around when he’s admitted to a mental asylum, and there’s no way you can miss that arc. Oh, I’m sorry, were those spoilers? Whoops.

Also, why would you ever willingly sign up for jury duty? What could possibly be worse than ... oh, wait, you’re taking 251? Well, better bring a good book to the courtroom. If you’re feeling masochistic enough to volunteer for such excruciating experiences, I recommend Infinite Jest. Nice light reading.

Remember, it’s never lupus,
Evan

Dear guy,

It was 3 a.m. I was working on a PowerPoint on the Mac side of the CFA clusters. I thought I was the only person there, until I realized there was a really tall guy curled up into a ball in one of the blue swivel chairs. He was sleeping and snoring loudly enough to be really, really annoying. I didn’t wake him up this time, but what should I do if this happens again?

Sincerely,
Want to Unhinge Mouth of Precariously Uncoiling Snorer

Dear WUMPUS,

I wouldn’t do anything really mean — unless you’re morally bankrupt, in which case, by all means, take the risk and slap him awake, only to be knocked out by a likely member of the football team. Actually, wait; don’t do that. Even players on Carnegie Mellon’s football team have a little intimidation factor.

It’s probably best to put on your CFA headphones, blast some math rock, and pretend the snoring is just percussion.

Or dip his right hand in warm water, then go to Hunt,
Evan