Advice for Awkward People

Dear Joshua,

I'm having an existential crisis, and I don't know who to talk to, and this public forum seems to be the best place to air my dirty laundry. So I started seeing this guy, and he was kinda perfect and kinda cute, and his feet didn't smell bad, and just based on that, I thought he was marriage material. Anyway, we broke up last night because he said he just didn't feel anything anymore, so I pinched him really hard, but that just made him angry. Anyway, we're not together any more, and my world is crashing down, and it was right before our second weekaversary, and it's just so unexpected. I had our entire lives planned out for us, right up to the names of our four kids — Danny, Damian, Baptista and Carl — and our collection of antique cuckoo clocks. He just had the most perfect earlobes, man. And like, I even knew his middle name. If that's not intimate, I'm not sure what is. My question is what do I do to get over him? I've never had an actual relationship before, and this kind of shattered my hope of finding one.

Signed,
Romantic Ovaries Missing Connection with Ornery Male

Dear ROMCOM,

I'm sorry that your relationship didn't work out. It's never a fun feeling.

My advice is that there are more fish in the sea, more people out there, all that jazz. This was not the only love you will ever have, and there will be other guys with whom to share your future and your antique cuckoo clocks. I know that's not helpful for the emotional situation you're in, but you should never let someone's lack of love toward you to affect your hope or your confidence. You seem like someone with big dreams and a big heart, and I'm sure other people will appreciate that. In regard to what you might be feeling, the best thing to do is just feel — just spend a night doing whatever helps you burn these emotions, whether that be spending a night alone, with people, doing nothing, or doing anything, accept your emotions rather than fight them. It's all healthy expression. Then, once you're all felt out, redirect that love to yourself, that emotional intensity into your work, and charge forward with your life. I believe in you.

Sincerely,
Joshua Brown,
Advisor Extraordinaire.

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