Advice for Awkward People

“Dear Josh,

I am a sophomore with a double major in philosophy and computer science, and while I totally have tens of friends and a relatively decent social network, I find myself regrettably partnerless. Some nights, I get to thinking. In a romantic way. In a deep emotional way. In a good time lovin’ kind of way. I want to get metaphysical. Metaphysical. I think it’s time to get out there, maybe take some risks. I don’t know any moves, and the thought of putting myself out there makes me sweaty. Do you in your ultimate wisdom have any advice on how to approach the realm of courting?

Cheers,
Righteously Ornery Bodacious Officious
Friend Reaching Euphorically UnderNeath Dresses.”

Dear ROBOFREUND,

Personally, I don’t see the reason to enter into the “realm of courting” if you’re so apprehensive about it. Given your training in computer science and the rising acceptance of dating simulators, you can try to redirect this romantic frustration into a lucrative career choice. My advice? Tailor-design a dating sim around your deepest, most personal fantasies. Intimacy in media is about more than just the physical: It’s the metaphysical that counts. It’s about that entrance into someone else’s life and connecting on all circuits. If you really pour all of your heart and your fantasies into the story’s creation, hopefully someone will see that passion, and they’ll purchase and play it. Then you’ll achieve both financial success and a romantic connection you may not be able to achieve from traditional dating.

—Josh