penalty shouts: the warriors should sign Big Bird

This is Penalty Shouts, The Tartan’s sports column inspired by the The New Yorker’s column Daily Shouts. This satire-fueled column will focus on anything and everything funny in the sports world that is deserving of our comedic attention.

The 2-8 Golden State Warriors (that’s comedy) put out a lineup last week that shocked and appalled the masses. Perpetual G-Leaguer Willie Cauley-Stein, Sixth Man of the Year Marquese Chris, and Most Improved Player Kid from Street Ball joined my left nut on the court for the Warriors against the Thunder last Saturday.

To quickly catalog the Warriors injuries so far this season, Klay Thompson died in the playoffs last year. He’s unlikely to come back this year, but the Grim Reaper, taking the shape of Derrick Rose, promised Thomspon’s return saying “He’s mine! He’s mine!” Unfortunately, Thompson may return as a shell of his former self.

Bruised but not broken, Draymond Green has taken one for the team. After all, it’s hard to take such a bad hit to your ego when your team asks you to tank for a better draft pick. Regarding the injury to his “finger,” Green said, “I’ll kick you in your...” Unfortunately, the hit to his ego was too much to finish the sentence, and he began to remember better days: the 2016 Western Conference Finals against Oklahoma City.

Broken but not bruised, Steph Curry is still the man. It sucks his hand is injured, but he should also let up with all the shots next time. I mean, the man is letting it fly every day. He probably even does it like three times a day, which is crazy if you ask me. I never shoot alone, but Curry seems like the type of guy to do it a lot, even though he has a wife who would willingly shoot with him.

Then, there’s Kevon Looney, and no, before you ask, he’s not like the bird from Up. Looney was probably the last semblance of a real starter that the Warriors had on their team from last year, and his injury was the nail in the coffin for the Warriors for a few weeks. However, the Warriors are a lot like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, where she one-inch punches her way out of a coffin. What I’m trying to say is that Kevon Looney is going to be that one-inch punch, and he’s going to single-handedly destroy the entirety of the NBA for posterity’s sake. He doesn’t particularly care about anything or anyone. He’s just a bloodthirsty maniac.

Other injuries to the Warriors team include the sprained ankle of Serbian lightning bolt Alen Smailigic and the day-to-day bumps and bruises of Omari Spellman and Eric Paschall. Just get good, guys.

Next week, the lineup for the Warriors could look even worse. Maybe they won’t even put a team on the court at some point. Who knows what’s going to happen? Not me, except for one thing I do know. Big Bird would be pretty good at basketball, and the Warriors should sign him (n.b. Big Bird is 8'2'').