penalty shouts: Myles Garrett hits Mason Rudolph on the head

This is Penalty Shouts, The Tartan’s sports column inspired by the The New Yorker’s column Daily Shouts. This satire-fueled column will focus on anything and everything funny in the sports world that is deserving of our comedic attention.

A really smart person a really long time ago once said, “the force of an object is equal to its mass multiplied by its acceleration,” and that’s how we got Einstein’s Theory of General Relativity. Using this mathematically certain and certified True Science equation, we can extrapolate the answer to an almost unsolvable problem. The mass of a Browns defensive lineman, multiplied by the standard rotational acceleration of a helmet at the end of an arm, equals the force of a black hole, or at least, the same amount of force required for Roger Goodell to take punitive action.

To continue making fun of Roger Goodell would be didactic. We all know that guy is bad, so I’m going to talk about something else entirely: the sports commentator discourse that has so unfairly maligned the name of Myles Garrett. So far everyone has spread the false news that Garrett, the Browns’ lineman, performed a truly dangerous action out there last Sunday. I mean, sure, taking a potshot at a backup quarterback’s noggin with a helmet is not generally considered “proper football etiquette” or “safe.”

Let’s step back for a moment, though. Garrett’s daring attempt at a big-time, honest-to-God murder charge is a feat of athleticism more conceptually interesting than any attempted murder hithertofore seen in the history of the world. Step aside Tiger Woods driving an SUV under the influence, watch out OJ Simpson, forget about it Daryl Strawberry. There’s a new champion in town, and his name is Myles Garrett. To be able to rip off a man’s helmet, hold on to it for a few moments while a bunch of burly guys push you around, and then use it to strike the same dude on the head requires... well, it requires something.

Garrett, after this feat of athleticism, is now suspended indefinitely. Likely, that means he will not be playing for the rest of the season, and for those games, he will go without pay. While what he did has been decried as unsafe, I’d like to ask you all: was it really? Is it so bad that he hit Mason Rudolph with his own helmet? From over here, it seems pretty funny, so ask yourself a question: when was the last time you got to see someone hit by their own helmet? It’s roughly the equivalent of your older brother going “Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself.” Sure, what Garrett did could be construed as aggravated assault, manslaughter, or attempted murder, but things like that happen every football game.