Penalty shouts: March Badness

Credit: Anna Boyle/Art Editor Credit: Anna Boyle/Art Editor

I’m in the newsroom with the 2019 NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship Tournament, and they’re on the phone with last year’s tournament. Here’s a short accounting of their conversation.

The 2019 tournament says, “Dad, I’m lost. I’m nowhere near as exciting as you! I only have upset by a 13 seed, and you had the first 16 seed upset. I could never live up to that.”

The 2018 tournament says, like a disappointed dad, “It’s ok, son. We aren’t all meant to be fun and exciting, but that doesn’t mean you’re not mad, right? You’ve got the name, the forty-eight games in four days, and a couple of upsets! It’s not like you’re the college football playoff…”

“But what’s my purpose, dad?”

“Some of us are meant to be boring. Otherwise, years like me wouldn’t be as much fun.”

Well, 2019 tournament, we thank you for your service. I’m sure we all understand the pain of a disappointed dad who doesn’t really understand how to console another human being, so I’d like to let you know, even though you put Wofford up against Kentucky way too early, I’ll spend an absurd amount of money on that merchandise you try selling for the winning team immediately after the game ends. Maybe I’ll even buy a team championship ring just so it has your name on it. I’ll even ignore the deep misgivings I have about the NCAA making a profit on that merchandise while student-athletes have empty refrigerators and coaches are unable to help them out due to some inane rule. Just for you.

Back to reality, I understand that I may be one of, like, two people who hold the opinion that this year has been boring. There’s been really fun first round performances from Murray State, UC Irvine, Liberty, and Yale. And still, I’m finding myself falling asleep. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep I’m getting as a college student, or maybe it’s the spiders in my apartment that keep trying to crawl into my personal space. I guess they don’t understand the whole “thirty-three feet” rule for spiders within my personal space. It could also be the constant comparisons to the UMBC team of yesteryear when a 16 seed defeating a 1 seed was literally unprecedented. For the sake of returning the tournament to some semblance of realistic expectations, I’m going to make like a disappointed dad and say that we needed this boring tournament. Otherwise, where’s the fun? I mean, we all can’t have golden retrievers as our mascot and beat a number 1 seed in the first round, but maybe we could have an anteater and a 4 seed upset. Get’em next time, 2019 tournament.