Sports

Penalty shouts: MLB Hall of Fame

This is Penalty Shouts, The Tartan’s sports column inspired by the The New Yorker’s column Daily Shouts. This satire-fueled column will focus on anything and everything funny in the sports world that is deserving of our comedic attention.

Late in January, I interviewed some old geezers at the National Baseball Hall of Fame to hear about the recent election, which saw Derek Jeter and Larry Walker elected to the Hall.
Two additional people were chosen by the official baseball league old-persons committee. However, no one remembers who they are.

The consensus across the voting members of the old geezers, also known as the Baseball Writers’ Association of America, was that Derek Jeter was an obvious first ballot HOF’er. “He didn’t shoot dope, and he played the game like it was supposed to be played. Not to mention, he could definitely rub tar on my bat,” they said in a press statement.

In light of Curt “bush-league play” Schilling missing out on the Hall of Fame once again, the writers only had one thing to say: “Good.”

Other people that were not to be elected this year include cheaters Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens. “These fools will never, ever be in the Hall of Fame because they tried cheating and got caught,” the Writers’ Association said.

In light of the statement, Both Bonds and Clemens responded by saying that their success was a function of their baseball skills, not their steroid use. “We still have to play the game, right? Our talent was obvious, but our careers were extended by the steroids. Even without the steroids, we would still likely be in the Hall of Fame,” Bonds and Clemens said. Individually, Bonds wrote, “I just wanted to hit 756 home runs. I never meant for it to go any farther.”

At the very end of the election, the geezers doffed their robes and returned to their wheelchairs. They exited their cult hall and left the candles burning.

Unfortunately, one of the candles fell over and lit the building on fire. Everyone escaped unscathed, except for Chone Figgins. Figgins, who was invited to attend the election as a player’s representative, earned zero votes from the committee, and when he found out, he went to the bathroom. Definitely not to cry.

All of the writers laughed their throaty laughs. It made Figgins feel bad.

So he went to the bathroom, and the writers ended the election. They sent out the white smoke to announce a new Hall of Fame member. Then, they left, the candle fell, and Chone Figgins was trapped.

He had to jump out of the bathroom window, which was on the first floor, but on the way, he broke a nail. Everyone is extremely sad for Figgins. Hopefully, he’ll be able to recover someday.