Auntie Tartan (back of the envelope)

Q. I want to keep going to class, but it’s getting so cold; I prefer to stay in my warm bed. How do I get moving in the morning?
A. When you think about it, the reason why beds are warm is that humans are warm. We heat our beds, which trap the heat and keep us cozy. So what remains is to reduce how much heat you produce. Start by eating colder things, like frozen yogurt or print-out screenshots of when you leave someone on read. Start engaging in colder activities, like walking outside without a scarf or completely ignoring someone for weeks on end, even though you leave read receipts on and the other person knows for a fact you saw it. Make yourself impervious to chilly weather by skiing or snowboarding or making absolutely sure that someone knows you’re ignoring them completely, all while maintaining an active social media presence so that it’s clear they’re the person you want out of your life. Become an absolute bonafide icy juggernaut by taking cold showers and showering everyone except this very specific person with acknowledgment and goodwill.

Q. How do you meet deadlines when you’re a chronic procrastinator?
A. You can think of it as sowing seeds for your future self. When you do things early, you’re making life easier for the same “you” down the line. Except … is it the same you? Science tells us you replace every cell in your body once every seven to ten years — seven years from now, you might be an entirely new being. Do you really want to be improving the life of a person that, from a biological standpoint, is essentially a clone? I dunno about you, but the only clone I want in my life is the one I use for blood transfusions when I become a decrepit millionaire.

Q. I’ve been trying to see more of the city, but I don’t know where to go. What’s good in the ‘burgh?
A. Pittsburgh is unlike bigger cities like New York or L.A. in that it doesn’t spoon-feed you entertainment. In New York, you can throw a rat and hit about ten different concerts or shows. In L.A., replace the rat with a needle full of Botox. But in Pittsburgh, things are not so easy. You gotta work to find out what’s happening. You gotta go to the same bookstore for months to get invited to the owner’s bass guitar neo-disco-folk-punk concert he has on prime-numbered weekends.