Grandpa Sujay's ramblings
"100 articles for The Tartan: a tortured writer’s guide of trying to make a relatively menial accomplishment feel meaningful because life no longer has joy."
No, that’s an edgy, terrible title. Let’s think. What does one write about for the 100th article? I could write an article about writing articles. But I’m not an authority on writing. I am not even an English major.
But I have to do something for this milestone though don’t I? Every person has talked about doing something special for their 100th article and then they never actually get to do it.
Well you don’t have to do it. You’re forcing yourself to do it.
Ok, how about an article about writing an article about writing articles?
That is far too confusing. Are you ok Sujay? Have you been sleeping properly?
No, that doesn’t make sense either. That’s getting to a level of meta even Dan Harmon would find confusing.
Forced reference there. Are you even listening to me?
No, that’s the whole point, conscience. I’m not supposed to be listening to you.
Yeah and that’s why you’re a failed wreck who is creatively struggling, mentally tired, and relying on YouTube yoga lessons from a white guy named Tim to keep yourself from spiraling further.
Ouch. Thank you for that.
You’re not welcome. And while you’re at it, ease up on the politics articles. No one cares about your opinions.
Oh maybe I can write something about the unsustainability of our modern socioeconomic landscape and how it’s resulting in the decline of our collective mental health.
Who cares about that?
There you go, more reason not to write it.
Alright fine, that’s a bit too broad anyway. Maybe for this 100th article I could do something about my favorite movies of all time.
No one cares about that either. You watch arthouse films to make yourself feel better that you’re artistically inclined when all you’d rather do is just rewatch Velocipastor and Birdemic until the end of time.
I don’t like you, conscience.
Yeah, and no one likes you.
Whoa, let’s take it easy for a second. This 100th article special is going off the rails.
Hold on I’m sorry, does my conscience have a conscience?
Yes, he’s the worst. He’s the reason you don’t eat Tide Pods for fun.
Alright, let’s take a second and gather ourselves. You want to write something fun for your 100th article right?
But your concern is that you don’t think it’s worth celebrating this milestone?
Well sort of.
Oh god here he goes again.
So what’s the problem?
It’s not that it isn’t worth celebrating, but more that I feel that I myself don’t feel I am worthy of celebrating this. Because not all of my articles are even good. Some of them are just downright terrible.
Yeah remember the Columbus Day article you wrote?
Oh yeah... that one.
I don’t even know what I was arguing there either. Like Columbus was a terrible dude and I argued that he was and we should get rid of Columbus Day. But for some reason, I was focusing on the semantics of genocide for no reason like I was some enlightened centrist even though I wasn't and still am not?
Or what about that filler joke article you wrote about ranking campus buildings? No one got your joke about your hatred of glass buildings. It makes no sense.
Ok let’s stop there. The point is that I already don’t like celebrating myself, talking about myself, or even talking about my opinions of other things. Yet I do it, and I am unsure if it’s because I enjoy writing or if I find some practical use for doing it. So why do something special for 100 articles when I’m not even sure about my own enjoyment of it? Plus it’s not like I’m the only one in The Tartan who’s written 100 articles, so what makes it so special for me to write something about it?
Alright. So what you’ve done instead is make personifications of your inner thought processes to express your paranoid process of writing this 100th article?
It’s a classic sign of creative bankruptcy.
You need to shut up because you are so annoying. Sujay, here’s my first question. Why on earth would you do something 100 times if you don’t enjoy it?
He’s probably day-dreaming about his crush again.
No, I’m actually thinking for once. I do like writing for The Tartan, and I do enjoy it. I just don’t like myself.
Well, there’s your problem.
Did Sujay just write out a therapy session on paper?
Yes, and he should do that. Now say something nice to him.
Do I have to?
Ugh. Alright. I guess it’s cool that you enjoy writing a lot and you’ll push to finish what you’ve committed to even if it’s two days after the article deadline.
Thank you conscience, for that begrudging compliment.
So with that, here’s my second question: why did you write this if you didn’t want to write something for the 100th article?
A cry for help?
Who knows? But this is the end of it and I’ve written it.
This is a waste of time for anyone reading this. There’s nothing valuable in here.
And that’s fine. Maybe that’s the point of this. It’s the 100th article. It means a lot and nothing simultaneously.
That’s a weirdly unsatisfying conclusion to this whole ordeal.
Well, that’s how all my writing usually ends. Might as well stick with that theme.
God, you suck.