Penalty Shouts: NBA All-Star Game

NBA Press Release - February 18th, 2024

With COVID-19 cases on the rise and the recent declaration of the factory farm antibiotic-resistant bacteria pandemic, the NBA is pleased to announce that the 2024 All-Star Game will continue as planned today. Jaylen Brown and James Harden will serve as team captains for their respective conferences. Harden is replacing Obadiah Toppin as captain after Toppin broke his ankles during a pick-up game with Dennis Smith Jr.

The NBA protocols and guidelines will continue to be as stringent as ever, and the safety of our players and their families is of utmost importance to our public relations team. In the week-long break between today’s All-Star Game and finals, players were tested six times a day for both diseases using anal swabs. Players also had an enforced curfew from 10 p.m. to 8 a.m., with the Detroit Pistons 2005 lineup enforcing the curfew.

Players also traveled in four layers of hazmat suits to minimize their exposure to potential diseases. In a break from the 2021 All-Star Game’s pandemic guidelines, friends and family are not allowed to join players for this year’s game. Instead, the NBA will be microchipping each player with nanotechnology body sensors and contact lens cameras that project a live feed of their activity on the court so that their friends and family can be with them at all times during the game.

During the game, the players will be tested at the beginning and end of each quarter, and the court will be sanitized after every point scored. This will prevent players from making excessive contact with each other, and will prevent James Harden from fouling every player in the Western Conference. In addition, players will have to continue playing in their hazmat suits for the safety of everyone involved in making this All-Star Game a success.

We have received criticism from players, fans, the media, and the Golden State Warriors that these precautions are absurd and that we are jeopardizing the safety of our players by having an All-Star Game. These claims are entirely true. While the players make up the NBA, our advertisers are the only reason any of them can afford their lavish lifestyles. So the next time someone complains that, “It’s a slap in the face to have an All-Star Game during a pandemic for the second time in the last four years,” we are here to remind all of you players and Chandler Parsons that you only have 25 million dollar salaries because Tencent and Microsoft are buying primetime advertising slots. Your move, players. What are you going to do? Unionize? Get real.

The All-Star Game is tonight, and we hope to have a fun, positive environment for players and fans to enjoy themselves. We aim to provide some normalcy in these trying times to the best of our ability, and we hope you enjoy our efforts to do so.

-Commissioner of the NBA, Adam Silver