White residents force colorful counterparts out of their homes
Chips of all colors were forcibly removed from their home in the UC vending machine last month, replaced by bougie white residents.
One former resident, Do Rita, 48, relayed her eviction in an exclusive interview with The Natrat. “How am I, a $2 bag of chips, expected to compete with these NK59s?”
The situation has caused a mass migration, overcrowding nearby vending machines already in poor conditions. “I’ve never been saltier,” Mr. Peanut confessed, adjusting his monocle. Mr. Peanut lives in the Porter Hall vending machine, where business is slow. “Our turnover rate is one Popcorner per week. And I don’t mean a bag — I mean a single Popcorner chip.”
When asked how it is possible to remove a single chip from the vending machine, Mr. Peanut shook his head and said that Dietrich kids are underappreciated. “The STEM students are out here with their all-nighters and DOD-pipeline, but the Dietrich kids? They’re working smarter.”
With such a low traffic rate around his vending machine, Mr. Peanut is concerned that there isn’t capacity for the migrant confections. He expects that a slot designed for a single candy bar will have to be shared by five. “And don’t get me started on the fact that we live in a food desert,” he said, so irate that his monocle shot clean off his eye. “I can’t afford another one of those! This housing crisis is becoming a health crisis.”
Frito Lay-Z Boy, who reclined in 1927 and hasn’t gotten up since, reaffirmed this sentiment. “I have underlying medical conditions,” he said, listing chronic sleeping, acute morality deficit, and lack of heart in the work. “I physically can’t get up. They can pop my bag and feed my empty corpse to a baby turtle before they get me to move.”
The NK59s, packaged in ivory boxes, don’t see the problem. “We save lives. We stopped an entire pandem—”
“Not this white savior shit again,” Mr. Peanut shouted from across campus, driving his cane through the vending machine’s glass pane.
“I’ve heard about the pushback from former residents,” admitted Fullicov Erd, “but I’m awoke. I would never force someone out of their home.”
Upon hearing this, Mr. Peanut congealed into JIF.
In an effort to better distribute the concentration of migrants, Carnegie Mellon Housing opened some dorms to migrants. Eighty percent politely declined. The remaining 20 percent joined Mr. Peanut.
University leadership declined to comment.