Biological study and mental health researchers discover that all men are actually ducks

All men are, in fact, ducks. Think about it. Let it sink in. It makes sense. Still not convinced? A team of biologists and psychologists conducted a study of men which examined their DNA and found that it is identical to the duck, with a singular letter in their genetic code giving them human bodies as a sort of mutation. Subsequently, a study of non-men found that they are 999,999,999 percent happier when treating men as ducks rather than humans.

The man is a particularly disturbed being, as he was not made to function in human society, and his duck-like tendencies cause him to become volatile. With his duck feet, the man has a tendency to want to go fast, leading to the unnecessary development of fast technology at the expense of everything around him. Observing the above figures, one sees how small the differences are between men and ducks, with their oddly positioned asses (the origin of which, until now, science had never understood) and tendency for disgusting flip flops resembling the webbed feet of the aquatic bird. Furthermore, everyone has agreed that men’s voices are identical to quacking.

This study derived from the 2020 Presidential Debates, in which biologist Dr. Dee Pressed noticed how the tone and walking strides of the candidates resembled the incessant quacking and waddling of the ducks she raised as a child. She presented this to her colleagues (who, unsurprisingly, happened to be male) and they dismissed it with a bob of their heads, quacking it up to delusional hormones. This is a common trait of ducks, which use their beaks to divert from their evil, evil lies and persistent pollution of ponds.

Despite the men’s insistence, Dr. Pressed and her non-men colleagues persisted and decided to investigate in a side project, Project Quack Quack, a joint effort with their peers at the American Institute of Psychology. “It was just an observation, all the ‘men’ dismissed it as stupid,” Pressed explains in an interview with The Natrat. “But, now I have sympathy for them. The poor guys do not know what to do with their gross little human bodies. That’s why they are so angry and so willing to hurt one another: they do not know how to go back to their natural form.”

This conclusion made a ripple in all duck-dominated fields, particularly science and technology. Many of the newly identified ducks have been relocated to small ponds, and in a unanimous vote, non-men agreed the ducks should be forcibly moved. Since then, war has officially ceased, peace in the universe has been established, and non-men all over the world have reported the elimination of disease, poverty, and restored mental health. Now it makes sense: all our problems can be attributed to the incessant quacks of the "men."