Special

Forbes & Beeler to open exclusively to Pitt Students, new community to be created

In an exclusive interview with The Natrat, Director of Housing Education and Lavish Lounging (HELL) Rich Mann stated that upon Forbes & Beeler’s opening in Fall 2023, students from the University of Pittsburgh will be given exclusive rights to rooms.

“After long deliberations with HELL, we determined the best people suited to live in the luxurious Forbes & Beeler will be Pitt students. CMU students simply won’t appreciate the amount of thought that we have put into this building,” Mann said.

Outsourcing the rooms to students from Pitt will bring an additional source of income to Carnegie Mellon, which will later be reinvested back into the university in the form of giant tents, more administrative positions, and a large gold statue of the current Carnegie Mellon president in the middle of The Cut.

Here, Mann cited the number of decisions that HELL has put into the building so far. “At least 50 hours have gone into choosing the perfect carpet color alone,” Mann explained. “We decided it would be much easier to cater to Pitt students. They go to Pitt after all, so how hard could it be to please them?”

Though the location may be a little less optimal for students who go to Pitt as compared to those at Carnegie Mellon, The Natrat was assured that class will go back to virtual next year and never return in person, so location shouldn’t really be an issue. Though we reminded Mann that COVID no longer exists as of March 28, he claims that nuclear fallout is on the horizon and classes will be forced to be indoors.

The plans for the store that will be inside of Forbes & Beeler has also been adjusted. Prior to the decision to house Pitt students, the store was instead meant to be a grocery store for students that only had 150% markups compared to the 250% markups currently offered at Entropy+. However, the HELL has instead made the decision to open a Pitt merchandise store in its place. They foresee this being a greater source of income, as Pitt students can’t go more than two days without advertising which school they go to.

When questioned on how this will affect housing capacity considering the ever-increasing number of students, Mann responded that there were plans to construct a new housing community that would also be open for Fall 2023.

“Honestly, we were stumped for a while with how we would solve this problem. Then one of our staff went to see ‘Annie’ with their daughter and inspiration struck: We’ll make a luxurious shanty town on the Cut for students!” Mann said.

With this new plan, which has been dubbed “Students Housed in Tight Times (SHiTT),” about 700 luxurious suites of high-quality cardboard will be put up on the Cut to address the future housing needs for students. This community of SHiTTs (the name given to its future inhabitants) will feature a lovely view of the newly added golden statue, a burn barrel for every 20 houses, a hole with a single roll of two-ply toilet paper per 50 rooms, and even an occasional stray dog. Mann made sure to note how privileged the SHiTTs will be to receive two-ply toilet paper, which is featured nowhere else on campus.

In terms of the features of the building students will be living in, it will be up to the residents to provide everything. This includes beds, desks, and cutting out their own windows. Following current HELL policy, students will be prohibited from having heaters or any other item deemed a fire risk.

According to Head of HELL Community Relations Dora Knob, residents of this new community will be more engaged with each other than ever. “I really wish I had a community like this when I was in college. I can only imagine how close SHiTTs will get with each other during the cold Pittsburgh winters. Nothing brings communities together more than a shared struggle.”

In terms of pricing, SHiTTs will be charged a premium for the opportunity to live in such a luxurious community and better-than-average on-campus housing. Pricing starts at $7,000 per semester for 20 square feet of luxurious lodging, which Mann considers a steal.