Local Terrorist 'Too Boring' For NSA

“We just feel he’s going through the motions,” said NSA operative Hugh Martin, describing middle school geography sub and local domestic terrorist, Paul Gulman.

A native of Take Your Time, Indiana, Paul has been a semi-active violent agitator for the last 10 years. Initially, his persistent Google searches of knives, automatic weapons, and explosive precursors tipped him off immediately to both the local and federal authorities. But, as time went by, it became clear that Paul was not the threat he seemed to be.

“You have to understand, we get hundreds of thousands of search history alerts an hour,” NSA Super-Detective and Office Pong Silver Medalist, Bella Valdez reported. “Ninety percent of the time it’s just teenagers who want to blow something up in the woods, and for that, we applaud their youthful exuberance. Nine percent of the time it’s something serious, and we actually conduct an investigation. And that last percent? That’s where Paul is.”

Gulman is what experts call a “domestic exhibitionist.” Due to his unsatisfying life as an educator, he naturally began to develop anti-social tendencies. “If he’d actually blown something up, believe me we’d get it,” Valdez stated, effortlessly bouncing a ping pong ball off a temp’s forehead into a center cup. “But he hasn’t. Instead he almost appears to be baiting the operatives assigned to him.”

While all domestic terrorist have to make simple search queries on Google, the Dark Web, or Bing’s “After Hours,” Paul’s are almost always preceded by searches that appear to invite investigation. “how much fertilizer can order before cops show up,” “how much PVC to buy if not making marshmallow shooter,” “which guns make sense to buy in indiana,” “illinois?” “alabama but with teacher budget?”

In one egregious example, Gulman downloaded the blueprints of 10 underserved local high schools, put on a trench coat, and waited outside his home, scanning the horizon for law enforcement vehicles. None came, but the FBI agent staking-out his home exited her car, place her hand on his shoulder, and told him, “You’re trying too hard, dude.” The death threats he sent black politicians that week were found to have tear stains.