Zivan Vasquez

Class of


  • 'Harry Potter World' to be Transfigured into Conversion Camp

    Picture a sunset. Glowing in cosmic beauty, you transcend. Now, imagine while you look out at God’s cummerbund, a small goat trots up to you. “Hey, little guy, how ya doing?” you ask this four-legged friend that has minus signs for eyes.

    Pillbox | April 18, 2022
  • Tuition and you: Why it's not less, and you should want more

    Many oceans could be filled with the tears of students who cry about tuition costs. Several blimps could take flight with the hot air spewed by undergrads whining about how much it costs to go here. Oh, blimps don’t use hot air? I’m mixing metaphors? I’m thinking of something else, like a hot-air balloon or maybe a weird submarine? Well gosh, I wish I’d gone to Zeppelin 202 lecture more instead of...

    Special | April 4, 2022
  • Chartwells adopts 'Ratatouille kinda situation' in response to understaffing

    “I don’t think we’ll ever go back,” said Chartwells Carnegie Mellon location supervisor Jim Jerries. It should come as no surprise that food service all over the country is suffering from severe understaffing, and even the esteemed Carnegie Mellon has fallen victim. Although n-dimensional hyper-real Farnham androids are in the works below the Gates dungeons, Carnegie Mellon for the time being need...

    Special | April 4, 2022
  • Football team adopts classism to beat D1 opponents

    Carnegie Mellon football is a many-headed beast, full of talent, sweat, and spandex. However, more than brute strength, Tartan players must leverage their creativity and intelligence to win on the field. New plays, tactics, and strategies are always being developed in a sport as fast-paced as football, but here I would like to highlight a truly novel angle our team has adopted.

    Special | April 4, 2022
  • Frats adopt 'gay philosophy' to better embrace Greek roots

    Democracy. Geometry. Homosexuality. The Greeks have given us many things. But while we can vote for the best queen at a Pythagorean drag show, not all that glitters is Greek. While the Aegean ripples, azure and ancient, and the yogurt fountains of Athens yield their sour bounty still, there is yet a stain on the Hellenic tradition. I am of course referring to fraternities. Hotbeds of hazing, exclu...

    Special | April 4, 2022